


I Am Permanent

by ImmigrantPhenomenon



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Making Love, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Porn with Feelings, References to Depression, Rimming, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 06:40:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15113912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmigrantPhenomenon/pseuds/ImmigrantPhenomenon
Summary: Sometimes John doesn't feel up to anything. He'll hate it, or himself, or all of the above.But Alex is always there to prove his worth and his love.This time, he's got more to prove.





	1. You're Worth It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [missMARGARITAschuyler (blasphemyincarnate)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blasphemyincarnate/gifts).
  * Inspired by [something permanent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14945018) by [missMARGARITAschuyler (blasphemyincarnate)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blasphemyincarnate/pseuds/missMARGARITAschuyler). 



Alexander took John by his hands, and slowly led him away from the bathroom. Away from the knife he stole off the kitchen table, and away from the bandages he used to keep them hidden.

Both faces were stained with tears, John's still flowing violently down his face as he helpless followed Alex to the living room. He sat down on the couch, and Alex followed, both wrists stuck firmly between Alex's palms and fingers.

John hiccuped, body swaying with the notion, skim heated in Alex's touch.

“Tell me.” He whispered, not daring to look at Alex's face. He looked over at the dinner hedt ruined instead, when everyone had sat just moments before he had excused himself. Moments before Alex ran out after him, knowing exactly why. Moments before everyone left, the food spoiled, and it was all John's fault. It always was.

More tears fell onto their linked hands, Alex's voice breaking the impending silence.

“I love you.”

John's heart clenched at the words, _That's not what he normally says_. He shivered, more tears spilling.

“How?” He sobbed, “How can you love someone like me-” he jostled his arms, making the scars on his wrists known to the hands holding them, “Someone like this?”

“The exact same way you do.”

His heart jammed again, eyes going wide.

“You love yourself. I know you do. You are _do_ have something to live for, I am absolutely certain.” John let the words sink down, further than he'd normally allowed. They settled beneath his heart, locking them in a safe place. _They were a lie_ , his mind screamed, _how can that be true if you do such a thing._

Alex pulled John into his lap, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. They were both pleasantly surprised when John didn't flinch back, or try to run the other way. He stayed, and curled into Alex.

“I know because you're still here.” His heart was beating too fast. “So many time, _so many times_ , you thought about ending your life _but you didn't_ . You took that blade and you _coped_ . You thought, _'Hey this'll be better tomorrow’_ so you tried again, and some days it was. And it was worth it.”

_Slander. Lies._ This voice was louder, not his voice. He could tell the difference now. John's voice was stronger, he knew it was, deep down. He just needed to learn how to talk over it.

He screamed into Alex's chest, and he could feel Alex's tears falling to his shoulder, but Alex kept talking, through a wavering voice.

“You're still here because you want to be. Because I love you, and you know I do.” Alex slid John off, and John could barely comprehend what was happening until Alex sunk off the couch completely, and was kneeling on one knee.

Something glinted in his hand, while the other still held John's hand. Another sob tore at his throat, but when it came out it sounded- _happy_.

“I love you more than you'd ever understand.” He pulled the diamond closer to John's face, moving his body with it. He held up John's hand, “In one hand I hold something so precious, that if I lost it, I'd lose myself with it.” He closed the ring box, “That's why I'm here, with you, because I'd fight of all your demons before before even the thought of leaving would ever come up.”

The box dropped to the floor, and Alex stood, bringing the speechless, crying John up with him.

“I'm staying here. I _want_ you to stay with me, I _want_ to fight your demons, and I want you to let me bring those walls crashing down so I can prove to you how much you mean to me.”

“Okay.” John whispered, voice hoarse from crying. “Yes.”

_That's_ when his walls came crashing down. Everything started to make _sense_ , or at least started to. It didn't matter if it made sense now, or then, or in five years, because he _felt like living_.

After _years_ of falling helpless to his feelings, he could look at Alex and feel one thing; love.

When Alex slipped that ring onto John's finger, he couldn't _wait_ for that day to come. He _needed_ to get to that wedding day. He _wanted_ to.

Alex pulled him closer, and John could feel the excitement beginning to bubble. He pressed his lips to Alex's, _hard_ , he let him feel exactly what he wanted him to know without saying a word.

“I love you too.” He whispered, the ferociousness making him tipsy, the air around him thinning until the only things left in the world were he and Alex, because Alex _wanted to stay._

_He wasn't just there, anymore. He's my companion, he's the one who can keep my head up high, even when I can't. He wants to be my lover. He is my lover. He wants-_

Me.

“I love you!” He screamed, letting his first smile in days overcome his face. “You love me.” They slowed slightly, settling back on the couch.

“I do.”

“I could only ever dream you'd want to keep me… why- I don't… understand.” He was scared, because the words no longer sent shivers down his spine like they normally did. He was scared because he wasn't anymore, and he didn't know what that meant.

Maybe it wasn't fear.

He was excited.

“I hope I can give you something to live for.” Alex mumbled, kissing his cheek, “Because I live for you.”

“You.” John whispered, “You’re what I live for.”

He wanted to be closer, _he wanted to prove-_

“You don't have to do anything.” Alex whispered, I love you just the way you are. I love you because I can't stand to be without you. You're happiness is my goal.”

“I can be happy. I can be happy with you.” John cried.

And John knew, he knew the world was going to beat down on him again, and the knife would tempt him once again, and everything would seem hopeless.

But it you can find the person you can't live without, and they're willing to help you through it, you can get through it. He knew, he knew now.

But the world didn't matter tonight, because tonight was him, and Alex, and tonight, he was going to let Alex break down his walls completely.

 

_“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.” - H Jackson Brown Jr._


	2. So Let Me Prove It

John let Alex take his ringed hand, leading him down the hallway to his bedroom.

They had different rooms, just in case. Just in case the touching was too much, or the warmth was a little to heated. Tonight, the heat was welcoming.

Alex turned into his own bedroom, pushing John to the bed, then slowly glazing on top of him.

“I love you, so much. Let me prove it to you.” He pleaded, eyes wide and glossy. The smallest amounts of lust could be traced deep beyond him, but John could only see the love it was drowned in.

“Please.” John whined.

He'd never wanted to be intimate with someone before. This was different though. This was _his_ Alex. The Alex that wanted to stay with him, and love him completely, and prove there's more the life than what he thinks. He's worth more the life than what he thinks.

Alex pulled off his shirt, followed by John's. He pressed their skin together, letting their bones crack and their blood mix between heartbeats.

They've done a little fooling around, John's life wasn't a complete horror story, despite popular belief, and at some points he'd initiate the horny cuddling, and sometimes they'd touch when others were around, he almost always felt happy around them.

But this was completely different. This was _love_ , not just happiness.

Alex trailed his fingers over the scars under John's rib cage, close to his heart. John choked, letting Alex press a kiss to it.

He couldn't help but gasp, he could almost feel the scars running off if him like water, rolling away from Alex's touch. Of course the physical appearance was still there, dark and demented, but it felt like was was being cleaned, and saved. Alex was washing away his pain, and his hurt and his anger, with every place he touched and every scar he pressed his lips to.

He groaned when Alex pressed on further, fingers grazing over his now uncovered thighs, also grazed with cuts.

“Let me show you how much you mean to me.” He breathed, and John could only nod, if that.

Alex pulled John's boxers off completely, licking up his hardening shaft. “My fiancé…” he mumbled, John almost losing it right there.

“We're getting married.” He gasped, like it was finally making sense, “You're going to be my husband-” he cut himself off with a moan when Alex licked the head, heart hammering beneath his skin.

“And you're gonna be mine.” Alex breathed, smiling so wide his face hurt. John smiled too, wiping away the tears on his face.

Alex brought him back into his mouth, swirling around the head and down the the base until he was soaking with spit, and the precome beading at the tip. John was letting out whimpers and moans, feeling absolutely overwhelmed and like he needed more at the same time. It was too much, and not enough, everything crashing around him like a storm, beating him with a pleasure he's never felt before.

“Okay! Okay, c’mere, please, _Alex-”_ he moaned, reaching for his fiancé. _His fiancé_.

Alex complied with a smile, crawling back up, pressing their stomachs together. At some point, Alex had shed himself from his boxers, leaving them rubbing against each other, voices hoarse and bodies screaming with fire.

“You ready, baby boy? I'm gonna take care of you tonight. Prove how much you mean to me, how much I absolutely adore you…” He kissed his cheek, then his forehead, to his nose. Everywhere except his pink lips, pressing up for exactly what he wasn't getting. John mewled again, sounding like a hurt kitten, Alex's heart clenching. _He's yours now, forever, and ever, and ever-_

“More…” John whimpered, thrusting his hips into Alex's. Alex moaned, finally giving into John's pleas. “Love you.” He mumbled against Alex's lips, pulling him closer.

Alex had always been small, but John hadn't. He used to be a lot healthier, when he cared a little more, and now he could see it, feel it, when their ribs crunched together. He could feel the lack of muscle he had compared to Alex's, shrinking back suddenly.

Alex noticed, like he always did, “None of that.” He kissed his neck, nipping up his ear, “You're beautiful. Absolutely stunning.”

“Not healthy-” he whimpered, only for Alex to cut him off again.

“Then we'll get you there. I'll get you to where you need to be. Trust me.”

“I do.” John settled again, a smile teetering.

Alex pulled a bottle of lube from the the dresser beside them, tossing it to the bed haphazardly as to continue with John, running his fingers down his back.

“Of course you'd have _scented_ lube.” John giggled, and Alex actually swooned.

“Did my baby just make a joke?” John nodded, bringing him in for another kiss. “Oh I love you so much.”

“Strawberry, though?” John had picked up the bottle, reading off the label at Alex's expense.

“It smells like you…” he mumbled, “I happen to find you very sexy.” He confirmed, giving John's self-esteem another boost.

“You're sexy.” John grinned, “I bet you have sex toys around here too, don't you?” Alex blushed, John's face lighting up after realizing he'd hit the jackpot. “You do!” He cheered.

Alex didn't even care anymore, he was too focused on the beautiful, radiant, pure smile John was sprouting.

“There's my happy baby boy.” Alex cooed, thumbing his cheeks, propped on his elbows. “Glad to see you again.”

“S’nice to be here.” John whispered back. “Now get on with it.”

Alex chuckled, “So eager. Glad to see that too.”

He slipped his hand down once again, dipping then down the cleft of his ass, John's breath stuttering.

“Never done this before.” John blushed, covering his face as the dry finger pressed to his hole.

“Do you want to continue?” A nod, “Then I will make it the best thing you've ever felt.” Alex prided, pulling John's legs up. He switched him to his hands and knees, it would be easier for his first time, spreading his cheeks.

He leaned down, licking tentatively. John let out a noise so inhumane, Alex actually jumped backwards, returning shortly after.

“Please…” John whispered. “More…”

Alex shushed him, kissing his hip. “No begging. Tonight is about you, worshipping your body, you're beauty…”

He returned his tongue to John's hole, loosening him up, until John was crying for more, living in the present without any other thoughts, purely here with him and Alex.

Alex decided then to flip him back over, whispering, “Wanna see your pretty face while I love you…” pressing a kiss to his tear streaked face when he got there.

He slipped a finger into his lover, wiggling around until John said he was ready for the second, giving Alex such beautiful sounds to work off.

“Alex, Alex…” he chanted, voice gone puffy with air. He was sweating, pulling their bodies closer despite the heat, shouting that he was ready. More than ready.

Alex slowly lined his hardness up, pressing the tip to John's waiting hole, hearing him whimper at the contact.

“See how perfect you are, so ready to take me, even after everything.” He pushed in, giving him time to adjust halfway in.

“S-said you'd stay w-with me-” he held up the ring, putting it against Alex's cheek, “Forever this time.” He whispered, lost by the glimmer of the jewel. It wasn't that he was obsessed with jewels, or riches, but the promise. He could've bought the ring and Walmart for all he cared, because it was Alex that matter. Alex and his promise. To stay this time. Be his companion, his partner. Permanent.

“I was always staying for forever. I was just waiting for you to need it the most.”

He pushed in all the way, John crying out, and arching up beautifully, not even giving it a second.

“Move.” He pleaded, “Please- show me- show me how much you love me.”

Alex groaned, John clenching down around him. He pushed in the last bit, then pulled out completely spare the tip, the _rammed_ back in.

John absolutely howled, his mind to far away to care and his heart swelling so full with love, everything coming together completely. _Alex wanted him_. Forever, to stay, and keep him, and love him.

_I love him too._

_That's why I live._

_For him._

_Because he lives._

_For me._

“I love you!” John chanted, voice going so high, but he didn't care because Alex loved him. And it was clear now, that he loved every part of him, even the ones he was too tempted to tear apart.

Alex's thrusts became relentless as John's screama got louder, connected so perfectly for the first time.

“I love you-” Alex grunted, blowing into ear. “So much, more than anything. Can't wait to marry you. Show everyone you're mine. Can't have you.” John cried out in agreement, his prostate getting struck head on. He'd begun thrusting his hips into Alex's stomach, feeling him wrap a hand around his hardness, palm slick with lube.

He shivered at the feeling, at his words, body going numb with pleasure.

“They're gonna be so _jealous_ of _me. Because I get you._ ”

John didn't even feel his orgasm coming when it slammed into him. Alex's body shifting with his, sliding so perfectly in and out of him, his hand around his cock, and his _words_.

They were going to be jealous because they can't have _him_ . They _wanted to have him_. It was all so much, so perfectly enough.

His orgasm ripped through him, his storm resulting in sharp waves, slamming into him, feeling Alex spill deep inside him, just as he had over Alex's hand.

“I love you. More than I can describe with words, but everyday I'll sure as hell try.” Alex murmured, pulling out, easing with John's sensitivity.

“I love you too. You're making it a lot easier to live.” Alex cuddled him into his side, John burying his head in Alex's neck, capturing his scent. “Stay with me tonight. For forever.” Alex confirmed, taking John's hand in his own, fiddling with the diamond.

“This is my promise to you.”

 

_“Intimacy is not purely physical. It's the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul.” - Unknown._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, for your fic, it meant to so, so much to me.


End file.
